Six Months

If we were talking, I don't think there is anything I would say at this point. Six months. Six long months.

I am getting ready to fly to Bryan's parents for Thanksgiving and my heart is broken. This is my first Thanksgiving - ever - away from my family. I will miss it all. The turkey, the special noodles you always made just for me, the arguing, April's family coming over...

Do you not see it? Everything is broken now, and I am losing all hope that it will ever be fixed.

I had a pregnancy "surprise" this week. I say surprise because it would not have been planned, but it would have been joyfully accepted. Now that Bryan and I have been married four years, we are starting to think about when we will start a family. Suddenly it looked like those thoughts would need to be on the forefront of our minds.

I was happy... but terribly sad to think of what you would be missing. You would not be a part of that child's life. My child will grow up without a grandmother, without a grandmother to spoil her, or without a grandmother to tell her stories from when her mom was little... it sucked to think about that.

But maybe it is just as well. Because if we were still talking, I imagine you would tell me how stupid I am for getting pregnant before grad school was finished. Just like you have told me everyday of my life how stupid every decision in my life is.

Ok, so I am stupid. I am stupid for not going to grad school - specifically, law school. I am stupid for getting married early. I am stupid for not working in a job that you can brag to your friends about. I am stupid for not wanting a career and lots of money.

But I am happy. Can't you see that this is ME? I only wanted the fancy law degree and the possessions before because that is what you wanted for me and I wanted to make you happy.

I love my marriage, I love my life. I want to be home, I want to be a mother who plays with her children and is there when they come home...

But I digressed.

I know you still blame me, for this. You tell everybody that I cut you out of my life for no reason at all...

the fact that you don't see how much this kills me hurts.

I miss you. I miss our family. My heart aches and my stomache twists in knots.

I love you.

Going on Four Months

I guess it's true what they say. Time heals all wounds. Well, it at least makes them stop throbbing. It's gotten easier over the past few months of being estranged from you, Mom. One day I woke up and went about my life... and realized the sharp pain was gone. I stopped fixating on the hurt and started functioning again.

I miss you. I still think of you every single day. I was driving today listening to a new CD and thought, "man my mom would love this CD. I should get her a copy..." and then I remembered.

Probably the part that sucks the most if that you still don't care. I wish I had that ability.

Almost Two Weeks...

Today I needed to get some things from your house so I stayed in the car while Bryan went inside for a minute and gathered them. He told me you said hello to him like nothing in the world was even wrong. I don't know what to think. I'm angry but hurt. Do you think this is going to blow over? Are you seriously that self obsessed that you don't care for one second about what your actions have done and are doing?

I cannot sleep. I have woken up every morning for the past two weeks, hours before my alarm is set to ring. I hate that I am now one of those children that do not talk to their mothers.

I know that I am fortunate because you always made sure there was food on the table. You provided for our every physical need. I know that, and I am so very grateful. But we haven't had a proper mother and daughter relationship in a very long time.

I think about my childhood in different terms now. Things I didn't understand that are much more relevant now. The vacations you and her went on that nobody else was allowed to attend. The hours of phone calls a night. Not to mention the hours of time you talk to her on the internet and ignore your family. She rules you and you don't care. The times you left me stranded in a parking lot at school... were you talking to her and forgot me? The games and performances you missed? I think about every time you shut us out for her.

You said we were your number one but that you wouldn't choose between us and her. How does that make us number one? How?

How could you have threatened suicide if forced to go without her? How could I have let that hang over my life for the past six months?

Still, I love you. Staying in the car today was hard.

I Heard Our Song Today...

It was really hard not to pick up the phone today and call you. Sometimes I just want to call and cry and yell but that certainly wouldn't accomplish anything.

I was walking through the store and our song came on - "For the Longest Time." I thought about my wedding day and how we sang the song in the middle of the dance floor while we partied hard. I thought about the stories you used to tell me as a little girl, or how you would sing me the weirdest songs.

I'm so angry at you and hurt and I don't know quite what to do half the time. I know that I have to stop the pattern now because I have reached a point where I can no longer let myself be hurt by you or stand by and watch you throw our family away. But it's hard. I'm the lone man on the family island, because everybody else prefers to leave in a bubble while you lie and cheat and give everything to her.

You destroyed me last February. Literally destroyed me but I gave in because I knew how tough this would be. And you did it again.

I bought a shirt today I know you would like. I wore my hair in a ponytail which I know you would hate.

Dad brought me some of my stuff from your house today. You've been home for a couple days and are already removing any evidence of my presence, I guess. Does that make it better for you? I wanted to throw everything and scream. Did you insist he bring it all to me today to hurt me? Do you just want everything gone? Do you even care how hurt I am? I hear you in the background when I call Dad and you sound so cold. Do you realize that you hurt me or is it still all about you?

If we were to speak, I would tell you I still love you. I want you in my life, I just think you don't want to be in it. You don't lie and cheat on the ones you love. You don't throw it all away time and time again.
Still, I miss you. I really do. I miss what we used to have, though I guess we haven't had it for so long, what's the use in dreaming anyway?

Over and over and over in my head, I play the mental film of our last few moments together. The night before your trip, and we were fighting about her, what else? I found out you had been lying again and we were fighting because you were supposed to cut her out of your life.

You turned to me crying, thrw your arms around me, and said, "I am really going to miss you terribly."

Did you mean while you were on your trip, or did you know that by boarding that plane and setting everything into motion, this is where we would end up? Am I reading too much into this, or did you know in your heart I would find out and did you know what the result would be? And if you did, how could you possibly still choose to pass through the airport gate?

First Blog - Written on Myspace 6/26

Going on 11 Days...Silence

So it's almost been 11 days since we last spoke. I thought it was getting better. I got to a point where I could push you from my mind easier... but now that I know you are home it is a lot harder. I think of you a million times a day. Every time I do I pause for a second, take a deep breathe and put the thought away. I can't think about you because if I do I will collapse.

I know I told you I wanted you out of my life because I couldn't take it anymore. But I wanted you to generally make an effort this time. To change your life and do those things you promised you would do after last time. I wanted you to fight for our family and put us first. I know I told you to forget I exist, but in my heart I wanted you to prove that my dad and I mattered most to you in the world.

Silence. That's all I've heard from you, and that confirms that nothing will change anytime soon. You don't want to. You don't care to. You need and want her or are so wrapped up you chose her.

I don't know what I expected, but silence is worse than anything.

My birthday is next Saturday, have you thought about that? Have you thought that this will be first year EVER since I was born where you didn't see me? What will you think about next week? Will you think about 24 years ago where you held me in a hospital and promised to protect me from the world? I don't know what I will do next Saturday.

That's all, I guess. Do you even care? Do you realize my letter to you was serious or have you pushed me out of YOUR mind? Are you disregarding me this time like you did last time? Thinking my feelings will blow over?

I love you. This isn't like last time. Last time I was so angry that if I had walked away then, it would be easier. This time though... there were no dramatics. True, there was an angry letter full of hurt but that was it. I won't exchange hurtful words with you anymore this time or fight. Because I have come to the realization over the past few months that I am powerless. You have to choose and I can't force you.

Still, choosing silence hurts most of all.

Though I guess if you had chose otherwise, it would be hard to be in my spot. To stay strong and wait for change. Because I want nothing more than to be your little girl again. Nothing more.