Six Months

If we were talking, I don't think there is anything I would say at this point. Six months. Six long months.

I am getting ready to fly to Bryan's parents for Thanksgiving and my heart is broken. This is my first Thanksgiving - ever - away from my family. I will miss it all. The turkey, the special noodles you always made just for me, the arguing, April's family coming over...

Do you not see it? Everything is broken now, and I am losing all hope that it will ever be fixed.

I had a pregnancy "surprise" this week. I say surprise because it would not have been planned, but it would have been joyfully accepted. Now that Bryan and I have been married four years, we are starting to think about when we will start a family. Suddenly it looked like those thoughts would need to be on the forefront of our minds.

I was happy... but terribly sad to think of what you would be missing. You would not be a part of that child's life. My child will grow up without a grandmother, without a grandmother to spoil her, or without a grandmother to tell her stories from when her mom was little... it sucked to think about that.

But maybe it is just as well. Because if we were still talking, I imagine you would tell me how stupid I am for getting pregnant before grad school was finished. Just like you have told me everyday of my life how stupid every decision in my life is.

Ok, so I am stupid. I am stupid for not going to grad school - specifically, law school. I am stupid for getting married early. I am stupid for not working in a job that you can brag to your friends about. I am stupid for not wanting a career and lots of money.

But I am happy. Can't you see that this is ME? I only wanted the fancy law degree and the possessions before because that is what you wanted for me and I wanted to make you happy.

I love my marriage, I love my life. I want to be home, I want to be a mother who plays with her children and is there when they come home...

But I digressed.

I know you still blame me, for this. You tell everybody that I cut you out of my life for no reason at all...

the fact that you don't see how much this kills me hurts.

I miss you. I miss our family. My heart aches and my stomache twists in knots.

I love you.