First Blog - Written on Myspace 6/26

Going on 11 Days...Silence

So it's almost been 11 days since we last spoke. I thought it was getting better. I got to a point where I could push you from my mind easier... but now that I know you are home it is a lot harder. I think of you a million times a day. Every time I do I pause for a second, take a deep breathe and put the thought away. I can't think about you because if I do I will collapse.

I know I told you I wanted you out of my life because I couldn't take it anymore. But I wanted you to generally make an effort this time. To change your life and do those things you promised you would do after last time. I wanted you to fight for our family and put us first. I know I told you to forget I exist, but in my heart I wanted you to prove that my dad and I mattered most to you in the world.

Silence. That's all I've heard from you, and that confirms that nothing will change anytime soon. You don't want to. You don't care to. You need and want her or are so wrapped up you chose her.

I don't know what I expected, but silence is worse than anything.

My birthday is next Saturday, have you thought about that? Have you thought that this will be first year EVER since I was born where you didn't see me? What will you think about next week? Will you think about 24 years ago where you held me in a hospital and promised to protect me from the world? I don't know what I will do next Saturday.

That's all, I guess. Do you even care? Do you realize my letter to you was serious or have you pushed me out of YOUR mind? Are you disregarding me this time like you did last time? Thinking my feelings will blow over?

I love you. This isn't like last time. Last time I was so angry that if I had walked away then, it would be easier. This time though... there were no dramatics. True, there was an angry letter full of hurt but that was it. I won't exchange hurtful words with you anymore this time or fight. Because I have come to the realization over the past few months that I am powerless. You have to choose and I can't force you.

Still, choosing silence hurts most of all.

Though I guess if you had chose otherwise, it would be hard to be in my spot. To stay strong and wait for change. Because I want nothing more than to be your little girl again. Nothing more.