I Heard Our Song Today...

It was really hard not to pick up the phone today and call you. Sometimes I just want to call and cry and yell but that certainly wouldn't accomplish anything.

I was walking through the store and our song came on - "For the Longest Time." I thought about my wedding day and how we sang the song in the middle of the dance floor while we partied hard. I thought about the stories you used to tell me as a little girl, or how you would sing me the weirdest songs.

I'm so angry at you and hurt and I don't know quite what to do half the time. I know that I have to stop the pattern now because I have reached a point where I can no longer let myself be hurt by you or stand by and watch you throw our family away. But it's hard. I'm the lone man on the family island, because everybody else prefers to leave in a bubble while you lie and cheat and give everything to her.

You destroyed me last February. Literally destroyed me but I gave in because I knew how tough this would be. And you did it again.

I bought a shirt today I know you would like. I wore my hair in a ponytail which I know you would hate.

Dad brought me some of my stuff from your house today. You've been home for a couple days and are already removing any evidence of my presence, I guess. Does that make it better for you? I wanted to throw everything and scream. Did you insist he bring it all to me today to hurt me? Do you just want everything gone? Do you even care how hurt I am? I hear you in the background when I call Dad and you sound so cold. Do you realize that you hurt me or is it still all about you?

If we were to speak, I would tell you I still love you. I want you in my life, I just think you don't want to be in it. You don't lie and cheat on the ones you love. You don't throw it all away time and time again.
Still, I miss you. I really do. I miss what we used to have, though I guess we haven't had it for so long, what's the use in dreaming anyway?

Over and over and over in my head, I play the mental film of our last few moments together. The night before your trip, and we were fighting about her, what else? I found out you had been lying again and we were fighting because you were supposed to cut her out of your life.

You turned to me crying, thrw your arms around me, and said, "I am really going to miss you terribly."

Did you mean while you were on your trip, or did you know that by boarding that plane and setting everything into motion, this is where we would end up? Am I reading too much into this, or did you know in your heart I would find out and did you know what the result would be? And if you did, how could you possibly still choose to pass through the airport gate?